Sunday, February 22, 2015

The End.

This past week I made a really hard decision. I decided to stop pumping. I knew Eli was moving to Florida and on top of pumping, bagging, and storing, I'd have to add in packing and shipping. I was getting very little milk and was feeling a lot of pressure (not from anyone but myself) to pump more, more, more. I started feeling like my family was getting less of me because it was hard to keep up with them and the house with pumping for an hour, 6 times a day. 

So, on his 6 week birthday I had my last pumping session. A huge weight was lifted when I washed and stored my pump parts. The first couple of days were great. I felt a new freedom. I could have an alcoholic beverage without calculating when I'd pump. I could have caffeine guilt free. I could cut my daily calories without worry. I could leave the house without dragging along my pump and a cooler. I didn't have to set my alarm for the next session. 

And then I started feeling sadness. I felt regret. I felt unsure. Should I have continued to provide for Eli? I know Erin has so many wonderful people pumping and donating to sweet Eli, but my milk is made for him. Did I make the right decision? I've asked myself that question over and over. 

I don't think there is a clear answer. I could have continued and then began feeling stressed about my production, about the time commitment, about toting all the extras with me everywhere. I may have felt peace with my 2-3oz/hour session, gotten used to loading up pumping supplies every time I left the house, had a good routine that became apart of my day. I don't know.

What I do know is, I feel good about the 6 weeks I pumped for him. The middle of the night pumps, the driving in my car pumps, the sitting at the birth center pumps, the "I'll be on my way as soon as I pump" pumps.

And now, there is a sense of finality. Now I am no longer supplying this precious little being with nourishment. I spent nearly a year nourishing him. And that last pump was it. I was done. It was over. 

As I watched Eli and his family drive off with the last bit of milk I pumped it was officially the end of this journey. 

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