Tuesday, March 25, 2014

We're holding on to hope..

Welp! We're doing it again! I mean, we knew we would if the first transfer didn't end with a squishy, healthy baby. It's just surreal that we're back here. 

I went in for my baseline sonogram this afternoon. My uterine lining was thin and all looked great! I got my meds schedule and set up my next sono for April 9th. If all looks good at that appt, we will transfer mid April!!! How exciting! 

I'll admit that when I woke up this morning I didn't have the same excitement as the first cycle. I was still excited, but now I knew all the unknowns. I knew all the possibilities...I had already walked those roads. I knew that the meds will make me tired, foggy, moody, emotional.. I knew that a vaginal exam never gets better. I knew that the day of the transfer I'll have to go through two rounds of acupuncture and a procedure that requires so much skill and precision (and me being incredibly still). I knew there would be bed rest, missing births, time away from my daily chores and sweet nuggets. I knew that a pregnancy can be lost as quickly as it comes. I knew the feeling of having life slip from my body. I still felt that pain. 

But, I also still remember feeling the warmth...and fullness I felt when that little embryo was placed inside my uterus. I remember how I immediately fell in love. How I felt protective of this little embie trying to borough and find it's home for 10 months. I remember the excitement I felt when that pregnancy test read, "pregnant". I remember why I originally wanted to become a surrogate. How much I wanted to help another couple form a family after I had completed ours the day Finn was born. 

The side effects from the meds, the intrusive sonograms, the anxiety waiting to know if the transfer was successful, and the fear of losing the baby after you find out it was in fact successful are nothing compared to the possibilities. To give the most deserving couple their long awaited baby. To create a family. 

I'm holding on to hope once again. I'm faithful that this transfer will in fact give Erin and Jose the baby they've been waiting for. My heart won't believe anything else.