Friday, January 23, 2015

He's exactly where he's supposed to be...

How are you? Are you okay? Do you miss the baby? Are you adjusting fine?

These are some of the questions I've been asked over the last two and a half weeks. And, I love them. I love that my friends and family...and, well, people I don't even know care enough to ask.

As a student midwife and someone who had a very big birth team filled with women who really understand birth, we all planned for the "worst". For an emotional backlash, baby blues, even postpartum depression. We know that a woman's body doesn't understand that the baby it just birthed is not staying. Biologically, psychologically, physiologically, our body, mind, heart, and soul expect to be caring for a squishy newborn. To hold a baby against our chest, nurse the baby every couple of hours, wake up throughout the night with the wee one. 

Because we know this, we planned for it. We planned for weepy days and all the possibilities of missing someone. My birth team was on standby for those possibilities. For those lows. For that sadness. And seriously, I couldn't of had sweeter people making sure I was okay. 

So how am I? I'm great!! I'm happy, I'm healed, I'm rested, I'm blessed. My body did have a couple of days of adjustment; waking up throughout the night, but it quickly passed. On day 3 I slept through the night and it was magical! On day 4 my hubby and I went on a lunch date and that was the only day I shed tears of anything other than happiness. I was looking for something to wear where I didn't look 4 days postpartum without a cute little newborn to take out with me, and after the fourth, or maybe it was the fifth outfit, I shut my closet door and cried. Was it sadness? Or frustration? I'm not sure. 

We went to lunch and while it was nice to be out, it was strange. I realized that I had been in a bubble the days before, surrounded by friends and family who knew my "secret". They knew I had just birthed a baby, but I didn't actually *have* a baby. And I decided I'd go back to that bubble.

A week later I tried again. I got dressed and went out with some girlfriends for dinner. I had a blast!! (And I wore the first outfit I tried on) 

I fully expected some sadness, but I think I got through this postpartum period with nothing but complete happiness in my heart for several reasons....

I had A LOT of support. Family, friends, the people who followed my blog, my birth team...

I prepared for it. And even though I never had to call on anyone, I knew I could. And that was reassuring.

I stayed in my little bubble. I took time to sleep, and heal, and recover. I ate well and drank plenty of water. I took care of myself while my family took care of my nuggets. 

I was CRAZY HAPPY for Erin and Jose. Her texts and pictures made my heart overflow. Seeing them as parents on social media made me smile. Knowing I had helped them get their sweet baby made me proud... And so incredibly happy.

And, if I'm being totally honest, I didn't lose anyone. I have four beautiful, healthy babies. But I did know people who had lost someone... Two babies left Earth too soon during my pregnancy. A little girl, Baby P, was born sleeping. I was about 5 months pregnant when I attended her birth. Then about three months later one of my closest friends lost her first son, Baby C, shortly after he was born. My heart ached for them and their mommies. Those losses made me even more grateful for my healthy children. And even more honored to be growing a baby for someone who knew loss too. Someone who had tried for years and years to have a baby of her own. I knew Eli didn't belong to me. He belonged to someone who loved him long before he grew inside of my uterus. I knew that I didn't know loss and sadness like L, or J, or even Erin. 

So, no, my heart doesn't hurt for Eli. I went into this journey with the intentions of becoming pregnant to help make a family. I knew he was never mine to keep. He was merely mine to grow and love for 40 weeks. (Though I'll love him for a lifetime) He's in the arms of the mommy he belongs to. He's healthy, he's loved, and he's finally here.

And, he's exactly where he's supposed to be....


  1. Lots of hugs! I've wondered how you're doing but wasn't sure if that was an "okay" question, or if you'd just like to be left alone. I'm looking forward to seeing you for GNO!

    1. You can always ask anything you want!! I'm also excited to see you!! It's been too long!