Forever in my heart...

When I decided to become a surrogate I thought about a lot of things. I thought about carrying a baby that was not my own. The sacrifices of pregnancy for a child that did not belong to me. A natural birth in my home where I would lovingly push a baby Earthside into someone else's arms. How I would recover without a squishy newborn nestled on my chest. I also thought about a failed transfer. An embryo that was not strong enough to implant. I thought about the meds and what they would do to my body, my hormones. I thought about how this would affect my husband, my children, my work. I gave it all so much thought. And I knew it was all worth it to help Erin and Jose become parents. For them to experience my greatest blessings. 

What I never thought about stared me in the face this past week. I never thought about miscarriage. I never thought about becoming pregnant and then losing the baby weeks later. I never thought about the grief and pain that I could experience as a baby slipped from my body. A baby that wasn't mine. One that I was entrusted with. The thought hadn't crossed my mind until it happened. Until it ripped at my heart and brought me to my knees. 

From the second "Embie" was placed inside my uterus for me to protect and grow, I fell in love. I talked to s/he every day. We went to births together and witnessed new life. I bonded with this new life growing inside of me. My wombmate that I had been so blessed to carry and love, even if for a short time. 

And then it was gone. So quickly. I will carry the memory of this little life in my heart forever. My heart breaks for Erin and Jose. It's hard to express the sadness I hold. To lose a baby that is not my own is a feeling I cannot explain. 

I have no doubt that a beautiful and healthy baby will come from this journey. Erin and Jose are beyond deserving and I know they will get their baby. A baby that will have love poured over it every day. A lucky, lucky little baby. 

We'll take the holidays to regroup, spend time with our families, heal... 

We've just started this journey. It's not close to over. Keep up with us on https://www.facebook.com/Surromommy

I have a great feeling that 2014 will bring a sweet baby to two very deserving people.